What to Do When an Elderly Parent Keeps Asking for Money

When an elderly parent keeps asking for money, learn how to protect their finances, preserve their dignity, recognise potential risks and set caring boundaries without feeling cruel.

CARING FOR LOVED ONESCARE GIVER SUPPORT

8/15/20269 min read

A compassionate daughter comforts her elderly mother with dementia, discussing financial protection and aged care support.

What to Do When Your Elderly Parent Keeps Asking for Money

What do you do when protecting your parent’s money makes you feel as though you’re taking away their independence?

This is one of the most uncomfortable parts of caring for an elderly parent - particularly when dementia or memory loss is involved.

Your parent asks for more cash. You know they have recently been given money, but they cannot explain clearly where it has gone. They may insist they need it, become angry when you question them or accuse you of trying to control their life.

Meanwhile, you are left wondering whether refusing is protective or cruel.

I understand that feeling because I have found myself in this position too. I don’t want my mum to feel powerless or as though every little thing she wants must be approved by someone else. She is still an adult. It is still her money.

But I also know that money can disappear very quickly when someone no longer remembers what they have spent, who they have given it to or whether they have already paid for something.

Sometimes caregiving means protecting someone from a risk they can no longer recognise themselves—and that can make you feel like the bad guy even when everything you are doing comes from love.

Why Does My Elderly Parent Keep Asking for Money?

Before assuming the worst, try to understand what may be behind the request.

Your parent might:

Have forgotten that you recently gave them money
Be unable to remember what they spent it on
Feel safer when they have cash nearby
Associate carrying money with independence and adulthood
Be buying small items more frequently than you realise
Be giving money to friends, relatives, visitors or other residents
Feel embarrassed admitting what happened to it
Be responding to pressure from another person
Be purchasing things online, over the phone or through catalogues
Have lost or hidden the money somewhere “safe”
Be experiencing changes in judgement associated with dementia
Simply want reassurance that their money still belongs to them

For someone who has managed their own finances for decades, suddenly having to explain every purchase can feel humiliating. The request may not only be about having $20 or $50 in a purse. It may represent freedom, security and control.

Understanding this does not mean you must keep handing over unlimited cash. It simply helps you respond to the emotion underneath the request rather than treating it as disobedience or bad behaviour.

Begin With Curiosity, Not an Interrogation

If money is disappearing, it is natural to want answers. However, questions such as “What have you done with it all?” can sound accusatory - particularly to someone who genuinely cannot remember.

Try a gentler approach:

“I want to make sure you always have what you need. Can we work it out together?”
“You had some cash recently, but it seems to have gone quite quickly. Do you remember buying anything special?”
“I’m not cross. I’m just worried that someone might be asking you for money.”
“Would it help if we kept a little spending money here and used your card for anything bigger?”
“Let’s check what the home supplies so you don’t have to pay for something that is already included.”

Reassure your parent that you are not trying to punish them or take their money away. Your aim is to understand what they need and find the safest way for them to access it.

Check What They Actually Need Money For

If your parent lives in residential aged care, ask the facility what residents commonly need cash for.

Depending on the home, this might include:

Hairdressing
Café purchases
Outings
Small personal items
Newspapers or magazines
Gifts
Optional activities

Ask which services can be added to the resident’s account and whether receipts are provided. If the facility says residents do not need much cash, ask staff to contact you if your parent requests money for an item or service.

This is not about monitoring every cup of coffee. It is about making sure you understand the system and that your parent is not paying cash unnecessarily.

Look for Patterns

Keep a simple private record of:

How much money was provided
The date it was given
Known purchases
Unexplained withdrawals
Requests from other people
Changes in spending habits
Online orders or subscriptions
Times when your parent appears particularly anxious about money

A pattern may reveal that the money is being spent at a regular appointment, given to the same person or requested repeatedly because the earlier amount has been forgotten.

Dementia Australia recommends keeping a diary when behaviour changes occur, noting what happened, when it happened and what was occurring beforehand. This can help families identify triggers and useful responses and provide clearer information to a doctor or specialist. You can read more about mood and behaviour changes from Dementia Australia.

Create a Safer Spending System

The right arrangement will depend on your parent’s abilities, preferences and circumstances. The goal should be to preserve as much independence as possible while reducing avoidable risk.

Options might include:

A small regular cash amount

Agree on a modest weekly amount rather than providing larger sums whenever requested. A regular “spending money day” may also reduce repeated uncertainty.

A low-balance spending account

A separate account containing only a limited amount can allow your parent to use a debit card without exposing their main savings.

Ask the bank what options it offers and whether spending or withdrawal limits can be placed on the account.

Direct payment for larger purchases

If your parent wants clothing, toiletries or another significant item, offer to buy it together or pay the supplier directly.

This means they can still choose what they want without needing to carry a large amount of cash.

An aged-care trust or resident account

Some aged-care homes can hold a small amount for residents and record purchases. Ask how the account operates, who can access it and whether you will receive statements or receipts.

A simple spending record

Keep a small notebook in your parent’s room or purse. Every purchase can be written down in plain language:

Tuesday — Hairdresser — $35

This will not work for everyone, but it may reassure a parent who repeatedly worries about where their money has gone.

Keep Receipts Without Making Your Parent Feel Policed

If you are managing someone else’s money, good records protect both you and your parent.

In NSW, an attorney acting under a power of attorney is expected to follow the document’s conditions, avoid conflicts, keep the person’s money separate and maintain accurate records of financial dealings. The official NSW Government power of attorney guidance explains these responsibilities.

Keep:

Bank statements
Receipts
Invoices
Notes of cash provided
Records of larger purchases
Emails with the aged-care facility or service providers
A brief explanation of unusual transactions

You do not need to make every small purchase feel like an investigation. Receipts are simply part of protecting your parent and showing that their money has been used for their benefit.

Please check your country and state conditions and rules.

Does an Enduring Power of Attorney Mean You Control Everything?

Not necessarily.

An enduring power of attorney gives the appointed person authority to make financial and legal decisions in accordance with the document. It continues if the person later loses decision-making capacity. However, having an enduring power of attorney in place does not automatically mean your parent loses all control over their finances.

The document may specify when the authority begins, how appointed attorneys must act and whether decisions must be made jointly. Arrangements and laws also differ between Australian states and territories.

Where possible, your parent should still be involved in decisions and their wishes, values and preferences should be respected. The purpose is to support and protect them - not to take over simply because doing so is more convenient.

If you are unsure what your authority allows, read the document carefully and obtain advice from the solicitor who prepared it, Legal Aid, the relevant state trustee and guardian service or another qualified legal professional.

Watch for Signs of Financial Abuse

Not every unexplained expense means someone is taking advantage of your parent. Money may have been misplaced, forgotten or genuinely spent.

However, take concerns seriously if you notice:

Frequent unexplained withdrawals
Sudden requests for unusually large amounts
Money or possessions repeatedly disappearing
A new person taking an intense interest in your parent’s finances
Someone asking for their card, PIN or banking password
Pressure to give gifts, loans or cash
Online purchases your parent does not remember making
Changes to legal or financial documents they do not understand
Bills going unpaid despite sufficient money
Fear, secrecy or distress when a particular person is mentioned

Moneysmart’s guidance on memory loss, dementia and money warns that memory loss can increase vulnerability to financial abuse, including pressure to hand over money, cards or passwords and unauthorised use of accounts.

If something does not feel right, contact the bank promptly. Ask whether there have been unusual transactions and what protections can be placed on the account. If you believe your parent is being pressured, threatened or exploited, seek specialist advice rather than trying to manage the situation alone.

What if Your Parent Threatens to Go to the Bank?

This can be frightening, especially if you believe they may withdraw a large amount, lose it or give it away.

Try not to turn the conversation into a battle. Stay calm and acknowledge what the request represents:

“I understand that it is your money and that you want to feel in control of it. I’m not trying to take that away. I’m worried because the last money disappeared so quickly, and I want to make sure nobody is taking advantage of you.”

Whether the bank will allow a withdrawal depends on the person’s circumstances, the authority contained in any power of attorney or financial management order, and the bank’s own obligations and procedures.

Do not assume that registering an enduring power of attorney with a bank automatically freezes your parent’s access. Speak directly with the bank’s specialist or vulnerable-customer team, explain your concerns and ask exactly how the account currently operates.

If your parent retains decision-making capacity, they generally remain entitled to make their own financial choices—even choices you would not make. If capacity is uncertain or appears to have changed, obtain medical and legal advice rather than making that determination yourself.

Kind Ways to Say No—or Not Yet

Sometimes you will need to refuse a request, delay it or offer a safer alternative.

You might say:

“Let’s check what happened to the last amount first, and then we can work out what you need.”
“I can’t give you that much cash today, but I can buy the item with you.”
“I want you to have spending money. Let’s arrange a smaller amount each week so you don’t have to keep asking.”
“Because I’m helping manage the account, I need to keep receipts. That protects both of us.”
“I’m not saying you can’t have it. I’m saying we need to make sure it’s safe.”
“If someone has asked you for money, you can tell me. You won’t be in trouble.”
“Let’s speak to the bank together so you can hear the options too.”

You may need to repeat the same reassurance many times. That can be exhausting, but consistency is often more helpful than giving a different explanation each time.

When Protecting Them Makes You Feel Cruel

This is the part that financial guides rarely talk about.

You may know logically that you are trying to keep your parent safe, yet still feel terrible when they become upset with you.

You might wonder:

Am I being controlling?
What if they think I am stealing their independence?
Should I just give them the money to keep the peace?
Who am I to tell my own parent what they can do?
Will they remember that I helped them—or only that I said no?

There may be no response that makes everyone happy.

Your parent may genuinely feel restricted. You may genuinely be acting to protect them. Both things can be true at the same time.

Try to choose the least restrictive option that manages the actual risk. A small amount of spending money may be safer and kinder than no access at all. Shopping together may protect their money while preserving their choices. A low-limit card may offer more dignity than having to ask for every purchase.

Good caregiving is not about removing every possible risk. It is about balancing safety with autonomy, dignity and quality of life.

And sometimes it means tolerating the painful feeling of being misunderstood.

When to Ask for Help

Seek professional advice if:

Large amounts of money are disappearing
You suspect pressure, theft, scams or financial abuse
Your parent’s ability to manage money has changed suddenly
Family members disagree about who should control the finances
You do not understand when the power of attorney begins
Joint attorneys cannot agree
The bank’s instructions conflict with your understanding of the document
Your parent wants to revoke or change the arrangement
You are worried that your own actions could exceed your authority

A sudden increase in confusion can also have medical causes, so contact your parent’s GP or care team if their behaviour changes unexpectedly.

For dementia information and confidential support in Australia, contact the National Dementia Helpline on 1800 100 500. It is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

If you are concerned about elder abuse, call 1800 ELDERHelp on 1800 353 374 for information, support and referral to the appropriate service in your state or territory. Call 000 if anyone is in immediate danger.

You Are Not Wrong for Wanting Them to Be Safe

If you are struggling with an elderly parent who keeps asking for money, remember that setting a boundary does not mean you have stopped respecting them.

You can acknowledge that it is their money.

You can understand why having access to it matters.

You can preserve as much choice and independence as safely possible.

And you can still say, “Something isn’t right, and I need to make sure you are protected.”

That is not greed. It is not punishment. It is not about taking control for the sake of it.

It is one of the many difficult, largely invisible acts of love that come with caring for someone whose needs are changing.

You may feel like the bad guy today—but protecting someone you love does not make you the villain.

This article provides general information for Australian families and carers. It is not individual legal, financial or medical advice. Powers of attorney and capacity laws vary between states and territories, so obtain professional advice about your circumstances.

With love,
Kim xx

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